Sunday, September 21, 2008

You Might Be An Idiot

Let me just say that I love East Tennessee, and I love the people here. But, just like people all over the world, a certain number of the folks around here occasionally do stupid things. I have learned this in the past year pulling trauma call, and so, with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I have composed the following list:

1. If you operate ANY sort of mechanical equipment while inebriated, you might be an idiot.

2. If you operate any motor vehicle while standing up, or on your head, or on one leg, and you are not a stuntman, you might be an idiot.

3. If you find an unlabeled bottle of medication, and you take some of it, "Just to see what it does..." you might be an idiot.

4. If you clean a firearm while rounds are contained ANYWHERE in that firearm, you might be an idiot.

5. If you walk up to the biggest guy in the bar and loudly raise questions about his gender and/or his mama, you might be an idiot.

6. If you tell the bouncer in that bar that he is not the boss of you, you might be an idiot.

7. If you attempt to beat up the police officer who is trying to arrest you for driving drunk, you might be an idiot.

8. If you use mechanical objects intended for metal or woodworking for personal grooming, you might be an idiot.

9. If you put your child on any motorized transport without appropriate safety equipment (i.e. seat belt, helmet) you might be an idiot.

10. If, after an afternoon of drinking, you and some buddies decide to engage in a little rock-climbing (sans safety equipment), you might be an idiot!

Needless to say, on at least one occasion in the past year, one of the above idiots has ensured a sleepless night for me. And, yes, I know it's what I'm there for - I just prefer it when I'm not on the receiving end of someone else's mess. Of course, I always take good care of all of my patients - even the idiots!


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